How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk Book Summary

Book Summary

15 min

Brief Summary

At the end of the day, children and adults alike respond to a similar sentiment above anger and aggression: empathy. Like ourselves, our children want to be understood and heard and validated, even in the instances where we might not agree with their opinion. The world is rarely black and white, so in order to best prepare tomorrow’s youth for the struggles they will encounter, we must teach them to acknowledge their emotions, compromise, and recognize and consider the emotions of others, too. Through self-expression and effective communication, children develop autonomy and begin to cultivate a unique sense of selves that will carry them through to adulthood. What you say matters, undeniably, but ultimately, children care about what you do.

About the Author

Adele Faber was born in New York City in 1928. The well-known author and parenting expert has written several books about communication between children and their caretakers. She is also a former faculty member of The New School for Social Research in New York and The Family Life Institute of Long Island University. She currently resides in Long Island, New York.

Elaine Mazlish received a degree in theater arts from New York University before teaching and developing drama programs for children in settlement houses in New York City. Along with Adele Faber, Mazlish also served as faculty at The New School for Social Research in New York and The Family Life Institute of Long Island University. The two authors worked in tandem to develop workshops and books based on the child-rearing philosophies of Dr. Haim Ginott, a renowned psychotherapist.

Topics

Parenting

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk Book Summary Preview

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk

by Adele Faber

Key Insights

Most people will tell you that at one point or another, they have had the aggravating experience of being in a public place--such as a supermarket, restaurant, or airplane--when a child is unceremoniously screaming at the top of his or her lungs. While are we quick to judge parents in these situations, often for their inability to control their child, we are less apt to do a deeper dive and consider the reasons why the progeny in question are reacting this way, or to assess the specific ways parents could be more mindful of their son or daughter’s behaviors. In many cases, we know one thing and one thing only--this child is LOUD.

After reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, you will be able to effectively observe the behavior patterns among the children you see out and about, and you will be better equipped to intervene in the destructive routines that you see in your own children, too. You will come to recognize that showing your feelings to your child is even more important than the words you say.

Acknowledging Feelings

Like adults, children are quick to become stressed when their basic needs are not being met. Unlike adults, children often lack the vocabulary to effectively convey these unmet desires to the people around them. While your child would be completely pacified by the sudden appearance of a tasty popsicle, they might express this need through constant, glass-shattering wailing and expect you to understand what it is they want.

Obviously, you can’t.

But, with a bit of redirection, you can figure out what they want. Rather than chastising your child for being loud in a space where it is inappropriate to do so, consider cutting them some slack in this regard...and acknowledging their feelings instead.

This could look like the following:

“Jason, I think you might be hungry! It has been quite a while since lunch, huh?”

And then, if you are not in a position to procure the object of desire at this very moment, lighten the mood by explaining the situation in relatable, kid-friendly terms while being as honest as possible.

“Jason, if I could get you a popsicle by snapping my fingers and making it magically appear, I would! I can’t do that, though, so you will have to wait until we get home. That will be soon--we won’t be here much longer, so please try to hang in there!”

Your child will pick up on your acknowledgment and validation of their feelings which will make them more likely to cooperate with the call to action, which is to wait patiently and stop fixating on the immediate concern.

Communication

We often hear the expression, “You catch more flies with honey.” In essence, this is an indirect way of saying that you better be nice or you will not be successful in achieving your goals. While this concept holds true in many settings,...