Attached Book Summary

Book Summary

15 min

Audio available

Brief Summary

Your attachment style can influence everything from how you relate to others to what kind of partners you pick. Read to learn about different attachment styles, the best antidote for relationship troubles (regardless of your style), and the number one thing you need in a relationship for it to last the long haul.

About the Author

Amir Levine, M.S, is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He graduated from the residency program at the New York Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University. He works there as a Principal Investigator on a research project sponsored by the National Institutes of Health. He owns a private practice in New York City.

Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. graduated with a master’s degree in social organizational psychology from Columbia University. She has worked as a corporate consultant for several management consulting firms including PriceWaterhoseCoopers, KPMG Consulting, Towers Perrin. She lives with her husband and three children in San Francisco.

Topics

Attached Book Summary Preview

Let's be real: Relationships can make you feel amazing. They can be a great source of comfort, security, and warmth. Conversely, they can also be stressful, painful, exhausting, and leave you full of anxiety. What gives? If you find that your relationships often reflect more of the latter, it's likely it has something to do with your attachment style. Attachment is the bond we form with other people and our style of attachment is the particular way we attach to others. Attachment style is pretty important and can influence everything from how we relate to others to what kind of partners we pick. Read on to learn about different attachment styles, the best antidote for relationship troubles (regardless of your style), and the number one thing you need in a relationship for it to last the long haul.

Everybody needs somebody!

We are reliant on other people to get our needs met. More than that, being close to other people can bring us great comfort. Researchers were able to confirm this when they had female participants engage with a stressful situation. Some women were allowed to hold their partner’s hand, others were not. When women held their partner's hand, the part of the brain associated with stress was significantly less activated. Just holding their partners hand lowered their stress. Sweet, right? It has also been shown that being in a negative relationship causes raised blood pressure whenever you’re around your partner, which could be detrimental to your health in the long run. So, relationships are important. One key aspect of relationships, attachment, is the bond we form with a significant person in our life. It withstands a certain amount of time and leads to a need for continued contact. Now that you understand how good positive attachments can be (Goodbye stress!!) and how negative attachments can be bad (hello health problems!), here’s where it comes from.

Why do we attach? Blame your genes and your parents.

You might wonder why people attach to each other at all. It's because it's embedded in our genes! Right when we are born, we begin to reach and yearn for the security of our mothers. This desire has a historical basis: our ancestors knew they needed to rely on each other for survival to gather food, stay safe from predators, and for protection. In present times, that ancient desire for attachment is molded by our earliest attachment: the one to our parents. When a child’s needs are consistently met, they will likely form a secure attachment that will carry them through until adulthood. Attachment styles can change, largely due to the impact of your environment. For instance, your attachment style can become unhealthy due to the impact of a negative relationship in adulthood.

What’s all the fuss about? Anxious attachment styles

Imagine this scenario: Your partner is normally home from work at 5:30 PM on weekdays. You look at the clock, and it's 6:00 PM, and they still aren’t home. How do you react? Many people would assume that their...