All About Love

bell hooks begins from a startling observation: although love dominates songs, movies, and everyday conversation, most people have never been taught what love actually is. Instead, many of us inherit fragmented, distorted ideas shaped by family patterns, social hierarchy, and cultural myths. hooks argues that without a shared understanding of love, people unknowingly practice domination, control, and emotional neglect while calling it care.

Her project in All About Love is not romantic or sentimental. It is corrective. She wants to replace vague feelings with an ethical framework—one that treats love as intentional behavior rooted in responsibility, honesty, and mutual growth. Love, in her view, is not something that merely happens to us. It is something we practice, or fail to practice, every day.

Love as a Conscious Commitment, Not a Mood

At the center of hooks’s thinking is a precise definition: love is the deliberate choice to support one’s own development and the development of others. This definition reframes love as action rather than emotion. Feelings may accompany love, but they are not sufficient to sustain it.

For example, someone may feel deep affection for a partner yet consistently lie, manipulate, or withdraw emotionally. According to hooks, this behavior contradicts love because it undermines trust and growth. Conversely, a person may feel irritation or fatigue toward a family member and still act lovingly by being honest, setting boundaries, and offering care that encourages well-being.

This understanding challenges popular culture, which often portrays love as uncontrollable passion. hooks argues that this framing excuses harm. When people believe love is something they “fall into,” they also believe they cannot be held accountable for what they do in its name.

Growth as the Measure of Genuine Care

A defining feature of love, for hooks, is that it fosters expansion rather than stagnation. Love should help people become more self-aware, emotionally honest, and capable of meaningful connection. If a relationship diminishes someone’s sense of self, silences their voice, or keeps them trapped in fear, it cannot be described as loving—no matter how intense the attachment feels.

She illustrates this idea through everyday family dynamics. A parent who uses intimidation to enforce obedience may claim they are acting out of love, but fear suppresses growth. Similarly, permissiveness disguised as kindness—never holding a child accountable or teaching them resilience—also fails to nurture maturity. Love requires guidance, presence, and a willingness to confront discomfort for the sake of development.

Mutual Investment Instead of Power Struggles

hooks strongly critiques relationships structured around dominance. In societies shaped by patriarchy and hierarchy, people are taught to equate love with possession or control. This can appear as jealousy framed as devotion, financial leverage framed as responsibility, or emotional withdrawal used as punishment.

Love, by contrast, requires shared responsibility. Each person must actively participate in sustaining trust, care, and respect. One-sided sacrifice—where one person gives endlessly while the other takes—is not virtuous love but imbalance. hooks emphasizes that mutuality does not mean sameness; it means shared commitment to the relationship’s health.

When people prioritize power over connection, relationships become arenas of competition rather than ...